06.18.08
So Close
I was so close.
I almost achieved a zen-like state amidst the noise. But I lost it. I snapped.
Last night, baby was crying and crying… I calmed her down for five hours and she slept.
She woke up screaming again. Five hours gone down the drain. All for nothing.
I left the room and slammed the door shut, leaving my wife to deal with her.
I feel like such a monster now.
I spent the night sleeping on the sofa.
This morning baby looked at me with those innocent eyes of hers. She smiled at me, but I didn’t have the heart to smile back at her.
I told baby that she should not scream and cry when she wants something. In this house, we practice patience. But I remember that I was not patient at all last night.
I am humbled, guilty and convicted at my hypocrisy.
She has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.
06.02.08
I’ve Got the Blues
I’ve been feeling rather bad the entire weekend.
Every day I wake up trying to look at things with a positive light.
I try to put past wrongs behind me, but each day that I am disappointed again. I am irritated again. I am angry again.
I’ve got a playlist on my computer called ‘Be Happy’, which plays songs like Bobby McPherin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy”, and the ever cheerful “King & Queen” by Chick Corea. It’s not helping a single bit.
Each note, every word sounds so disconnected. It’s like I’m on the moon, listening to the music from a tiny radio receiver. It’s like these songs were written for aliens.
I can’t feel the music.
It hasn’t always been this way. I added these songs to my playlist for the reason that they made me happy at one point.
Anyway, back to telling you about my weekend. I’m feeling this way because there’s someone living with us temporarily and she’s turning my home upside down.
I’ve lost my authority over my own home. And I hate that.
My wife and my daughter continue to be my life support through the weekend. My only source of happiness.
One more week… one more week to go…
Then she will be gone, and my life will be back to normal again.
Photo Credits: Tolga KOSTAK
05.29.08
How Do I Find New Songs?
I am getting bored with my music collection. I have a few hundred song sitting in my hard drive. Each time I listen to them, I get disgusted and feel like deleting them all and starting my music collection from scratch.
There has got to be hundreds of songs that are being created every day.
I need to listen to something new. I need something to inspire me, a new melody to run through my dreams.
I want songs that have just been released. Something just birthed into the world. Something not many people have heard before.
I yearn to feel the excitement of finding a really good song.
I don’t know where to begin looking for these new songs.
Do you? Have you ever felt the same way before?
Photo Credits: Steve Woods
05.02.08
The First Note
I am not very clear of the reasons I started this blog.
Perhaps something inside of me is bursting to share itself with total strangers.
Perhaps there are just some things I can’t say in my other blogs.
Perhaps anonymity will give me the strength I need to break free from the shackles of my inhibitions.
Perhaps I want to be able to speak my mind without facing the consequences.
Perhaps I just want to see if I will be able to find people who share the same feelings, thoughts and interests.
We will see what happens.
